hi blog...... today feels very blehh. i'm just very tired and unmotivated and things aren't working out for me like i want them to. it was like this yesterday too. i keep trying to do things to snap myself out of it but it's not working so i guess i'll just embrace it.

i went out to get a starbucks and i got the biggest size drink cause i thought maybe this will fix me. it didn't, and i messed up my words while ordering and the barista surely hates me now and will be thinking about this interaction every day for the rest of his life and laugh every time he remembers the stupid girl that couldn't even string two words together and on top of that her clothes looked uncoordinated and unironed as well and her dark circles were so prominent i thought she was a zombie when she first walked in i swear it was like a jumpscare so when i made her drink i made sure to fill it up mostly with ice and only put in a couple drops of the actual thing she ordered because that's all she deserves and also she was so short she looked like a little child it was so funny you wouldn't believe it oh my god i had to try so hard to hold back my laughter. that's what he will be thinking. whatever. thankfully i like crunching on the ice.

i've been riding such a crazy high the past two weeks i guess it was inevitable that i would come back down eventually. i really hate tying (tieing? tyeing?fuck) everything relating to my mood back to my Menstrual Cycle cause i think it's annoying to keep bringing it up but we are freaking animals you guys and our hormones affect everything. ok? everythinnnggg. and i know this is the reason and not just a coincidence cause it's every single month. everything is great and then everything is shit and then i start bleeding and everything is normal again for a very brief window of time and then i'm having an enlightenment again and everything is all wonderful and divinely meaningful again and thennnnn yup. back to shit. repeat every month forever. idk if the normal female individual is this effected by it but for me it seemingly determines everything. it is fascinating sure but mostly just an inconvenience. it's like someone's messing with the difficulty settings that i'm playing life on at various times of the month. "hands off the dial!!!!" i keep yelling at the little guy inside of me but he keeps yelling back "i'm just doing my job!!!!" every time and it's starting to piss me off.

don't get me wrong. i complain a lot but i think i would've hated it more if i was instead born a man or i didn't have these small inconveniences in my life at regular intervals whatever they may be. my vision rarely gets clouded enough that i can't see the beauty in all this as well. i don't only love life when it's sunshines and rainbows, i love it when it's shit as well. i love the human experience with its ups and its downs, but if i will share the ups i will also share the downs, and if i will celebrate i will also complain. but know that i still love every part of it. ok bye. actually hold on for one more second i really want to incorporate "toodles" into my daily vocabulary so um. if it's alright with you i'd like to practice. toodles! oh it felt so nice and natural...